Well it seems for now I’m on a bi-weekly ogham journey. Given all my recent medical shenanigans, energy is at a premium, along with time. Either way, here we are on journey 8 and Eamhancholl has come to call. With Eamhancholl we meet another ogham of the Forfeda set. Eamhancholl is a very interesting meeting, as I’ll be working from one of my previous meeting with Coll. Let’s dive in.

Attributes and Associations

Eamhancholl. Amhancoll. EH-MAN-KUHL. Eamhancholl means Witch Hazel. Her phonetic value is Ae. Witch hazel and hazel are actually part of two different species, but share many similarities. While Hazel produces the hazelnut, and has distinct elongated fronds, the Witch Hazel has more blooming buds and different shaped leaves. However, Witch Hazel resembles Turkish Hazel in this way. Other similarities are in the alike use of both Witch Hazel and Hazel twigs in divining. Thus, they are considered “twin diviners”.

Witch Hazel is known for flowering and bearing fruit at the same time, and for the many different colored leaves. The fruit is a two-part capsule, containing a single glossy black seed in each of the two parts; the capsule splits explosively at maturity in the autumn about 8 months after flowering, ejecting the seeds with sufficient force to fly for distances of up to 30 feet, thus another alternative name “Snapping Hazel”. The label of “witch” actually has nothing to do with the practice of magic but comes from Old English wice, which means pliant or bendable. The leaves and bark of the Witch Hazel are often used for skin treatment.

Eamhancholl is a forfeda, however, I’ve already discussed a lot of the concepts and history of that in my previous post. Of the very few things we know about Eamhancholl is that she likely means “Groan of a sick person”, which harkens to her historical use as a medicinal herb, although these days it’s effectiveness if debated. The association with Coll is interesting in its own right and I feel a draw to its understanding of “twiness”. This aspect brings thoughts of opposite and sameness, diversity and togetherness to mind.

Other associations and uses of Eamhancholl are for purification and cleansing, which makes sense since it often thought of as medicinal.

The Contract

Eamhancholl calls me to reflect on state of my emotional clutter. I am called to evaluate what is happening in my life and clean out the unnecessary. When Eamhancholl comes to call, we are tasked with taking stock of our situations and seeing what is needed, and what we can do to better our situations, both physically and spiritually.  This is apt in my time right now as I’ve been needing a house cleansing and personal cleansing for some time given all my medical issues and other “bad luck” at the moment.

The “twinness” aspect comes into view here, and to me this feels like a “two sides of the same coin”, where we have the mind and body of one person, but these are often at odds while still working together. It’s the temptation of the one over the true needs. The sacredness and need for care, and yet the desires to do and be of our human selves. This constant battle, this twinning of the body and soul, are something strive to find balance with, and I feel Eamhancholl speaks this as well. For don’t’ we need to clean off the “dirt” within ourselves to find the truth and reality of a situation beneath? Before we can truly heal? To find balance in anything, we must first understand what that balance is.

I’ve found myself with many physical woes at this time, a continuation of my calling and initiation. As I find my body with new needs and changes, I have to realize the changes I have to make mentally and accept that in my focus on my body I must focus new paths for my mind as well. This all comes with changes spiritually as well. As part of the many sacrifices I’ve made or doings I’ve had to give up or lessen, radically accepting these changes has changed my perspective on the spiritual sacrifices, and spiritual changes I have to make. Eamhancholl comes to speak on this. This is something I thought I understood, but spending time with Eamhancholl has opened my eyes a bit. A reevaluation of the body often leads to a reevaluation of the spiritual, and this time has seen to it that I feel this keenly. I hope the house cleansing and soul cleansing that I’m working on how leads me to a fresh start.

This week’s drawing is Straif.

This week I’m attempting to get this out in between so many other events. We’ll see how this goes. The last two weeks have been a whirlwind with doctors, being sick, phone calls, a car screaming at me, attending to family, gatherings, rearrangements, events, let alone work fit in there somewhere, and so here we are a bit late. Either way, here we stand at our first meeting with the Forfeda, which are often the more contested set of Ogham from what I’ve learned. This week Oir has come to me.

Attributes and Associations

There is a clear lesser amount of valid information on the forfeda, and oftentimes people don’t even consider them in their discussions of the Ogham. I felt when meditating on what I wanted to include in my path work with in the Ogham that the forfeda had their place however. In time, regardless of what I learn now, I feel my deeper learning of the forfeda and my contract with them will grow. One of the reasons the forfeda are left to the side is because they were added centuries after the original alphabet, which lends them to being thought of as less valid than the others. I feel this shouldn’t dismiss them as a means of divination or spiritual bonding. They obviously had some connection to those who created them and used them so long ago, and for that information to survive to this day. Those spirits have grown and thrived and I feel they have something to say, so I have included them.

I won’t get too much into the history of the Forfeda here, but I will sum it up to say that hte forfeda were outlined in three different Briathargaim, or “word-ogham”, and that the forfeda are not associated with trees like the other twenty Ogham, save Oir, which is being discussed here. Otherwise, the forfeda are found in other inscriptions in use with the rest of the Ogham, which allows for precedence.

Returning to Oir itself, Oir is pronounced like ore in English, and is also spelled Ór. They are associated with the Spindle Tree. In the Kennings, Oir means “most venerable substance”, and “splendour of form”. This has led many to see their association with gold. Other associations are commitment, honor, inner peace, thunder, wealth, favorable change, hidden dangers, and truth.

The Contract

I’ve spent a lot of time with Oir in the last couple weeks and so I’ve had time to really let this one, this spirit, meld more with my thoughts and energy. My central feeling with Oir, is comfort. I am comfortable with them. They sit beside me and just feel good. It’s not happiness, not melancholy, not joy or excitement, and not even doldrum. The feelings simply are, not devoid, but just calm and peace. It is good. The sun shines with a light overcast, a goldness. I find myself understanding that Oir is the moment before something new. A change is coming but you are ready for it. To find commitment and honor as is Oir’s associations, to accept the dangers you may not see, but to know this change is good, and face it head on. The calm before the storm. Oir presents you with this. Oir, I am ready, lead me on.

Next week’s drawing is Eamhancholl, another Forfeda.

Following up my last delayed post, I am going straight into my 6th draw with Ceirt. Being as this is kind of a double draw, it’s relevant then to say how Ceirt came to me in an interesting way. When I drew Coll, Ceirt slipped out of the bag as well and almost immediately started delving into the finding of Ceirt. In a way, Ceirt was just as ready to come to me as any of the others, so here we are. I’ve also made it past the first five weeks of my Ogham Journey. I find this significant because in the normal course of the Ogham order, there are five Aicme groups and five Ogham in each group. We are now one-fifth of the way through. Ceirt is one of the better known of the Ogham, and thus a good Ogham to begin our next set.

Attributes and Associations

Ceirt. Quert. KWAIRT. Ceirt means Apple Tree. Apples have a particular significance in both magick and divination. Apple trees are also associated with the Otherworld, it is by our choice that when we pass on, we go to Avalon, the Summerland, also known as the Isle of Apples. Apples have a great significance in just about all western spiritual practice. As it is, Apple was one of the first trees to be harvested for her delicious fruit. In linguistics Ceirt is transcribed as Q. She expressed the primitive Irish labiovelar phoneme. It’s phonetic value is Kw. In the briatharogam, there are three meanings to take from. In Morainn mac Moín: Clithar baiscill ‘the shelter of a lunatic’, in Maic ind Óc: Bríg anduini ‘substance of an insignificant person’, and in Con Culainn: Dígu fethail ‘dregs of clothing’. The name is also compared to the Welsh perth, meaning ‘thorn bush’, and also quercus, meaning ‘oak’.

Other associations are known as wholeness, healing, faithfulness, beauty, choice, generosity, harmony, and regeneration. Ceirt has a close association with elves and the goddess Rhiannon. There are many varieties of apple, with the crab apple being the likely ancestor of all. Choice is among the chief associations of Ceirt, of which all actions and meaning spring.

The Contract

Ceirt brings us to the cross-roads of choice. In the act of choice we can take many paths, that of healing, or harmony, or even fertility in sense of creating from ourselves. Even in the ancient meanings we can find relevance in choice. It takes many choices in life to reach a point of culmination and finding of truth in those choices. In choice, we in fact do find the “shelter of a lunatic”, a shelter of someone who has opened themselves to finding truth and a path in life. That is sometimes scary, and sometimes seems impossible or insane, given our choices at times, but to make a choice we must. In “substance of an insignificant person”, and “dregs of clothing”, we see what the beginning of choices are, there is not much there. There are dregs, there is insignificance, it is not until we start making choices and fill those decisions and reasons, do we begin to have substance. Thus to have insignificance is choice.

As apple trees are symbol of the Otherworld, we must also pay our respect to its meaning as symbol of death and regeneration. To know the apple of the Otherworld is to know deep vision, physical healing, and cleansing. The Apple will come to show a choice to make, or that there is great restorative healing needed. Either way Ceirt’s energies can lead you to the choice or healing. Ceirt will lead us on a path of inner strength needed to make difficult choices and to find the right healing for our energies to be restored. As with anything, if Ceirt is called upon too much, its own strength can wane along with our own, and only with patience and time can Ceirt be called upon effectively.

This week’s drawing is Oir.

The last couple weeks have been a difficult road and so I’ve ended up a couple weeks behind on my Ogham writing. So if all goes well I plan to catch up now with a double post. For this first post I had been focusing on Coll, which approached me and held through for the last two weeks before I could write these posts. Coll is ready to be presented.

Attributes and Associations

Coll. CULL. Her meaning is Hazel Tree. Coll is the Irish name of the ninth letter of the Ogham alphabet, which is related to Welsh collen pl cyll, and Latin corulus. Its Proto-Indo-European root was kos(e)lo-. Its phonetic value is k. Hazel itself is a fast growing tree that produces nuts and is often bonded with honeysuckle. Often referred to as “witch hazel” it is used as a divination tool, and has been known often to find underground water sources. Today, it is still used to seek out ley lines and underground energy lines.

Hazel brings wisdom and knowledge to those who hold to it. The main associations are with smooth transitions, creativity, wisdom, enlightenment, inspiration, luck, introspection, protection, and reconciliation. Arianrhod is the deity that patrons Hazel, goddess of the moon and wisdom. Coll gives us taming of wild nature from which we grow knowledge and wisdom.

The Contract

Coll speaks to life-learning. As years gather on and our youth dwindles before us, the realization of age becomes reality. What was once untamed and endless passion becomes tempered and soon becomes knowledge and wisdom. We pay a price for this tempering, in aching bodies, changes in face, and final meetings with loved ones. Coll helps ease our challenges with this.

Coll tells us to seek that wisdom, to find that which is hidden beneath. Hazel is one of the most powerful trees in nature, and despite being one of the easiest to work with, it’s one of the best to find a way from naivety to wisdom. Coll can be a guide to finding a answers to question and a lead in the direction to hidden paths that need to be found. She can held find a way in the difficult times of life. Coll can teach us to analyze and think critically on knowledge we’ve learned, and to hone that information in such a way as to protect the important and practical bits, which grow into wisdom. Hazel brings direction on our path of life.

The next week’s drawing is Ceirt.

Here I am on the bandwagon this week. After the delay last week with Gort, Beith was a bit of a reprieve. Beith is the first letter of the Ogham, and with her affiliation with the Birch tree, it was also the first material used to write Ogham. I’m excited that Beith has decided to approach me this week, as this means I am finally introduced to the first Aicme of Ogham, of which Beith, or Beithe, is one.

Attributes and Associations

Beith. Beth. BEH. Her meaning is Birch tree. As I said, birch is known as the first material Ogham was written on and Beith is considered the first Aicme and first letter of the Ogham alphabet. In Old Irish, Beith is spelled as Beithe, which is related to Welsh bedw(en), Breton bezv(enn), and Latin betula. Her Proto-Indo-European root was gʷet- ‘resin, gum’ and the phonetic value is b. In the mythological origins of Beith, she is known to protect people from the fae, with the myth being Lugh writing Beith in order keep his wife from being carried off by fae. Medieval kennings of Beith have the meanings of: “withered foot with fine hair”, “greyest of skin”, and “beauty of the eyebrow”. More as a future reference, Peith, which is also known as the last and latest letter of the Ogham, under the Forfeda group, is considered a variant of Beith. With a phonetic value of p, also called beithe bog “soft beithe”, p being considered a “soft” variant of b. It likely replaced Ifín, one of the “original” five Forfeda. Prior to the addition of the Forfeda to the original twenty letters, both p and b were probably symbolized by the same letter: Beith.

Beith also has many attributes we are already familiar with, while finding her own ground. Beginnings, birth, blessings, creativity, fertility, growth, healing, inspiration, protection, purification, release, and renewal. She is associated with Taliesan as well, but also wood nymphs. I feel two gods are well associated for her in Cerridwen and Lugh. She also seems to find strength in the cold and mountainous, and with older souls. Perhaps even with the crone aspect. She has a close association with humans and the human condition, bright and brilliant bursts of creativity in short spans of time. In it’s attribute of renewal and inspiration, Beith is often known as the Ogham of new beginnings, and the clarity to find them.  Beith has a positive, pure energy and can find good use in meditative and cleansing practices. New projects and new adventures benefit from the utilization and presence of Beith or Birch as a physical aspect.

The Contract

She is here. Beith has come and will not be ignored. Larger than life and blinding light of goodwill. She will not be denied, and you probably won’t want to. Beith has come to inspire and I can feel that force within me. I itch to write and work on my many diverse projects that have languished in the dark corners of my mind. Now is the time and Beith has brought that positive light to inspire them.

Beith tells me to understand that my efforts thus far are worthwhile and should be fostered further. My healing process has begun, but it can’t be taken for granted. It must grow and I must continual understand that every day is a beginning and another step. I must constantly cultivate that beginning and that healing to continue. Life is short and easily disrupted, and the strength I’ve found can only be kept by holding on. Birch grows in the hardiest of terrains and that bright tree can find fertile soil in the most barren seeming of minds. That means me as well and that leaves a smile for anyone. A beauty in many forms, it takes patience and care to keep.

The most human of the trees, short of life and malleable to new forms, Beith tells us we are all valued and diverse. I can be inspired to many new beginnings, and my efforts are valid and true, but I myself, as a human, must keep working at the effort of that new beginnings. Beith can help me on my way.

The drawing for next week is Coll.

As you may notice, this week’s journey has come a bit late. I found I needed a bit more time for Gort to come to me. I found this appropriate and acceptable, if not somewhat frustrating. As Gort is the spirit most affiliated with development, growth, and vitality, perhaps it had to take it’s time to develop within me. Either way, Gort finally approached. This week (and a half) brings a close to week three. Gort grows within me, in it’s own time.

Attributes and Associations

Gort. GORT. Her name’s meaning is Ivy. The ancient meaning is “field”, which is related to Welsh garth ‘garden’ and Latin hortus. The Proto-Indo-European root is gher, ghort ‘to enclose, enclosure’. The phonetic value is G. Once again we have little further etymology for Gort. So, and even more so for Gort, call upon the spirit of Ivy and Gort themselves, for meaning and connection.

She approaches us slowly and undefined. She comes in shreds of color, dazzling displays of dreams, beautiful scenery, and people unfolding around us like blossoms. Her central attributes are Tenacity, Wildness, Development, Growth, Fidelity, Vitality, Protection, Luck, Healing, and Fertility. She gives of life and creation, a lady of the Fae. Associated with the god Cernunnos, wild and a force nature. In the nature of Iv, we have a being of certain omni-presence, able to grow and reach areas previously unreachable. A being of chaotic and wild growth, which utilizes small amounts of resources with little encouragement, and lasts years upon years, only restricted by intentional force.

Despite Ivy’s chaotic and free force of nature, it’s also a calling to that of binding. Ivy is strong, and Ivy holds fast. A piece of Ivy alone does nothing, but together, bound in ropes and overwhelming a surface it can dominate and command an area. Ivy, as it takes hold in your territority asks you to acknowledge your foundation, and to hold true to it.Ivy asks you to expand on what you already know of yourself and to hold loyalty to that. However, tolerance and strength is also needed before fully embracing ivy, before you give yourself to that wildness.

The Contract

Gort approached slowly but without resignation. Gort knew the way to arrive and did not abide by human time. Gort asked for time and loyalty. A trust of giving and willingness to bind true to the needs of creative and free spirit. In this Gort asks for me to accept my changes and my new being and to grow from that. Gort meets me at a specific stand alone moment. Gort approaches, creates a new moment and fills that with all truth and healing in that time, and then asks to be bound in this force. We create a force within ourselves when we realize what is within us after a significant change. In great moments of change we can heal ourselves, and this, this binds us to our new selves.

Gort is a two sided coin. A Janus head of discovery and boundary. Where on the one side we find loyalty, trust, and binding, the other side is wildness, growth, and creativity. I find the wildness within Gort hard to touch. It’s such an elemental force it’s hard to describe and it lingers behind the screen of pattern and logic presented by boundaries and ties. It’s the personification of the endless celtic braid patterns that continue on in ever defined loops and whirls. Gort makes me want to dance, draw, write, create with my hands and lost myself in all the beauty of creativity and vitality in the world. It’s in a way dangerous. At least to productivity and things like jobs. Ha. However, it can also be a beautiful start to all those same things. Gort is the egg, the fertility of the human forge. However, it exacts its price and requires fealty, for a time. It asks you if you are ready to give to it as much as it’s giving to you. You need to know where you stand, and you need to be ready. Considering where Fearn and Idho have left me right now, this is a very large and pondering question. It’s honestly one that can’t be answered right now, but I am thankful to Gort for the beauty of it.

The drawing for next week is Beith.

Despite all obstacles to the contrary, I managed to find time for my studies of the next Ogham. As with following any patterns, I found myself still going over Fearn while also learning Idho. In doing so however, I was able to expand my connection and learn more deeply about Fearn as  I went along, and as I found more resources. So, one item I wanted to add from my learnings on Fearn are that the alder tree itself has such an affinity to water. Unbending, unassuming, and undiminished. Alder is both nourished by water and it defends itself against it. Alder gives of itself when necessary and no more. The most important new aspect I’ve learned of Fearn is in attribution of perseverance. In the wearing down of life and trials Fearn will see you through. Now, let’s return to Idho.

This week brings a close to week two. My meditation was difficult one this week, and I found myself “fitting it in” among being sick and my other duties. However, I was able to find that moment, and this week Idho came to me.

Attributes and Associations

Idho. Iodhagh. EE-Yoh. It’s meaning is Yew-Tree. Its Old Irish root was idad and its phonetic value then is [i]. In the two word Briatharogam, it’s original meaning is unknown, but is likely connected to edad or Eadhadh, the Aspen tree. In some cases this may mean somewhat of a twin connection when presented together. Idho does not have a simple or clear etymology, so we draw our meanings from the Yew tree itself and the spirit of Idho.

They find us in the midst of transformation. It’s central attributes are death, endings, transitions, rebirth, communication with the dead, longevity, and strength. Non-binary in gender, Idho is unrestricted and untethered in their ability to speak to change. A symbol of eternal life and rebirth in the celtic tradition. Yew trees live exceedingly long lives, with beings of the yew family still alive after 1000s of years. Idho has a long and ancient connection with humanity, making it symbolic of death and renewal. The yew is a gateway for the dying before they find eternal life.

As the yew is both tough and tensile and thus also associated with bow-making and archery. As most of a yew tree is also considered highly toxic, yew also has the symbology of weaponry, which works in conjunction as a Ogham of death. As Yew is also seen as a gateway, Idho can also be a indication of communication with the dead. For me I associate Idho with Taliesan, the poet, and Lugh, god of skills, craft, and art. Above all however, it is a symbol of Transition. A symbolic death leading to a new life.

The Contract

Idho came to me in the understanding of Transformation. They came to me in the raw and unfiltered reality of ever-changing life. In association with Lugh, I find this connection perfect. As in the effort of transition it takes true effort of learning new skills, new arts, and new crafts to form yourself into a new person. As I’ve mentioned in a previous post I’ve recently come into the realization of a very strong and life-changing initiation. This transformation of self, which took what felt like an exceedingly long time to start and then process, has had me develop a multitude of new skills and crafting for myself I never thought I’d see. This learning of the Ogham is one of them. Idho is the second Ogham I’ve learned, but stands as a gateway for all them. It calls to me in my grief for what I was, and calls to me in the strength  I found in Fearn to take those steps through the door.

So as Fearn protects me from retreating back into my old self, my old comforts, Idho propels me through the gateway to my becoming. I bind myself in the contract with Idho to stand by these principles of becoming. I face the grief of sacrifice for a better existence, face the reality of what it means to behold sacredness of one’s body, face the agency of collective entity within one’s self and know impact of the choices you make, to face the worth one’s self and to no longer take for granted the fragility and responsibility of your own body. I see the death of so many old ways, toxic principles that I can no longer hold, that no longer serve the person the need to become. So much that my new path no longer can allow to stand in my way. As I begin to see myself and my body as sacred and worthy of care, I give voice to the silent and raise up the muffled words. Through this I can begin to share and form community and truly take part in my path for myself and for those I know I can share my healing process with.

The drawing for next week is Gort.

Reaching the point in one’s life where a person can knowingly express where they stand is often understood as a point of achievement and maturity. You’ve done it, you understand where you come from, family, friends, culture, etc. You know where you’re going, work, education, relationships, etc. It’s a wonderful feeling and makes new events and tasks in one’s life accessible and easy to manage. You are doing you.

What the world and life fails to tell you however is that standing point, that ground with which you have rooted and bonded tends to move. Often like those moving platforms in that damn videogame you once played. The roots of family and heritage, of learning and commitment, although always there, tend to shift and form new strengths, and that sometimes leads those roots to new waters. And where the branches grow, they grow into new spaces and those spaces are often filled with other trees, bushes, rivers, cliffs, and sometimes man-made walls.

Recently, I’ve come to several cliffs on my path’s journey that I frankly fell and rolled down rather than stepped assuredly. I’ve found myself at the bottom. In a large and barren valley, there, somewhere, in the mist is the path that leads back up the mountain. However, the great question recently has been, what mountain? Which one of the many on the horizon do I take? And, even if it’s the “right” mountain, what will the climb cost me? I have already lost much in the valley, and the wounds and loss have left deep scars and some permanent damage I’m not sure I’ll ever fully recover from. Now, I face an arduous climb that ready or not is coming at me very quickly, and I have to decide how I’m going to meet it.

My standing point is shifting. My life in constant crisis is leading me somewhere. My path has called me in a new direction. All the crashing and falling, and the endless loops and wandering about of the past three years to this point tell me, “This shit’s gonna hurt.” What’s new?! But in truth, there is always something that isn’t expected, even in a path filled with painful and difficult decisions.

Twelve years ago I made the first conscious decision to leave the Catholic Church and start down a path of paganism. At the time I was dealing with situations in my life that I didn’t realize had such impact on me. Looking back now, I don’t know how I got through college let alone living on my own. I was dealing with “post-sheltered kid” syndrome, and some unacknowledged and misunderstood PTSD from verbal and terror abuse during my high school years. Unacknowledged mostly because I barely knew what PTSD was back then. That is something soldiers deal with right? I ran out into the world with plenty of skills but no idea on the direction I needed to take. I was running free and learning to not only depend on myself for any support but quickly realizing people I thought were there to support me, wanted nothing to do with me. And the only true understanding and support I’d ever known, my mother, was a thousand miles away and dealing with her own trauma. I was basically, literally and figuratively, on my own. Into all of this came paganism and finally an acknowledgement of my bisexuality. It overwhelms me still just thinking about all this. I for one never want to be that young again.

Now, college and my sudden abundance of new friendships wasn’t my first foray into paganism, nor queerness, but it was the first time I felt free enough to embrace these things. When I was younger, perhaps twelve to thirteen, I discovered my interest in Magick, with a K. Through the well placed pop-culture and high fantasy that poured forth onto my tiny 12 inch television set (complete with VHS player!) the appeal was automatic. Thus, my voracious reader appetite took over as well and at my local library my first book on witchcraft fell into my hands. It was titled simply Magick with a simple white cover with occult symbolism in black. To this day I can’t find that same book again, but I still remember the energy it brought me and how much time I spent pouring over the information on spells, herbal magick, elemental journeying, and even (gasp!) naked moonlit solo rituals.

Now having been a recently confirmed Catholic, it’s interesting to think that somehow I kept both these worlds going. I was quite devoted to my Irish Catholic education which included weekly mass, and I memorized all the creeds, the rites, and the prayers. Hymnals still resonate deeply in my soul. I can still recite to you many of them. However, at home, we didn’t attend church. None of my family did, despite being quite adamant about their christianity. And their Catholic war against Protestantism. What? You thought that ended with James II?

At home, it was all magick and empowerment for me. The not going to church helped keep my worlds of Catholicism and Magick separate at the time and this continued until adulthood. Sure, my mother and I recited “Now I lay me down to sleep” every night before bed, but I feel nowadays that was more our bond together than any real devotional. I explain all this as it helps set the context for my transition later into paganism. After sadly returning that first occult book to the library, with some old-fashioned black and white xerox copies in hand (Did my mother know what she was copying? I still wonder.) I spent a lot of time with those papers until we started packing for a new life, and then they disappeared along with many other physical memories from our house, and my dream of a happier life for myself and my mother.

For high school, I ended up out in the “bible belt”, hot bed of all things Baptist, a true Catholic’s greatest test of fortitude not to set fire to everything. And for a girl from Suburbia Detroit, it was true culture shock. Surprisingly however, I discovered this barren and open land of fundamentalism and country music was not completely devoid of the occult. Despite not even continuing to look for magick anymore, magick found me.

Two friends came into my life, and left just as quickly, but one read the Tarot and the other was reading Animal Speak: The Spiritual & Magical Powers of Creatures Great and Small by Ted Andrews. I still remember her reading that book today (although being far more “woke” nowadays I never pick it myself) and later discovering her parents were also in the occult. When my mother and step-father found out this caused some problems and eventually the friendship ended, but the spark had reignited in myself. For the rest of highschool I would waffle between my loyalty to Catholicism and my call to paganism.

Finally, to make a long short story shorter, I left for college, a trip that took me a thousand miles away from the “home” of my mother, and returned home to Michigan. Here I thought I would find myself amongst family to support me while I attended college, escape a harsh home reality, and return to a place I idealized in the memories of my childhood. In reality, returning home was a far different wake up call than I expected. I was back amongst family, but in truth, a lot had changed in the four years I had been gone, and I didn’t fit in as well as I thought I would. On the other hand, Michigan itself opened up to me with arms wide. The seasons, the waters, the people, the way of life was all as I remembered. So, in the face of living again in circumstances that were less than ideal, I started meeting people through my sister and quickly found myself face to face with paganism, the occult, magick, again. This time, the third time, there was no turning back. I had been called.

Here in the land of my birth, amongst people who would be of my closest and longest withstanding friends, a family of my own choosing, the spirits and the gods and the ancestors held me close and were no longer going to let go. I resisted at first, I was raised Catholic after all, but eventually I embraced it. I had to embrace many things about myself at the time, as I dealt with personal trauma and learning to be myself in my own space and on my own. I embraced my “weirdness” and never looked back except to honor my past and my Catholic ancestors…eventually. I owe a lot to the time, space, and people that allowed me to form and weave my true self in this context. Through this tapestry I learned to understand my calling. Today is not then however. That world, that journey is now just story.

My new journey takes place in the last three years of my adult life. Years after I completed my first “initiation” and established myself as a Celtic Reconstructionist, as a solitary practitioner, as a lay-pagan who enjoyed delving into the philosophies of those far more practiced than myself, I find myself with all the questions again. And here is where I find myself in the valley, here is where I stand, unsteadily, ready and not ready, to complete another and far more heart-wrenching journey of initiation.

The truth is I walk alone. My greatest fear has always been being truly alone, forgotten and ignored, feelings leftover of unstable relationships in my childhood, where the only one that was always there was my mother. If I think on it however, this fear has really always been, not a fear, but a reminder, a reminder that I was always alone in many ways. Even my most intimate and closest people, I am separated from them on some deep level that I can only grasp at times like this. We are separated by time, by distance, by mutual trauma, by bad blood, by differences of fundamental philosophy, by apathy and at times even by fear.

This pervasiveness of separation has become clear lately, and has taken root as a definition of my current initiation to my new calling. I think this, above all else, has been the deep seated reason why this one has taken even longer than my first initiation. For truth, I did not realize for such a long time that I was in an initiation, or finding a new calling. In truth again, I was quite comfortable in where I was with my practice, with my life, and where I was headed before things started to unravel. To meet these trials and then have to face never fully recovering from them, to face that my basest comforts were harming my spiritual freedom is agony. As a follower of the Morrigan I should have known better. As I have said on many occasions when asked how I work with the Morrigan I say, “My life is anything but benevolent.” My trials are always long, difficult, and filled with laughter and tears.

For the past three years I have run from one difficult situation to the next. As of the new year of 2016 I found a close family member in possible legal trouble and job loss. This led into the rest of the year with continually being a shoulder for many going through hardship, job loss, family loss, and other financial trouble. At the same time, my job was in transition from one supervisor to another which ended up changing everything about how I dealt with my profession. By 2017 so much had changed and I had shouldered so much of other people’s pain and sorrow that it led into a continuous spiral of depression which manifested into physical deterioration and pain. I suddenly found myself unprepared to deal with that much emotional labor and it cost me dearly and opened my eyes to so much that I was lacking. This pervaded throughout 2017 until finally by the time the dumpster fire election of late 2017, I started falling down my proverbial mountain, through the mist, and was fallen and broken on the valley floor by 2018. However, the trials were not done. Death followed the pestilence with great familiarity. First, my husband lost his grandmother, followed in March by my father suddenly dying of a heart attack after homelessness and alcoholism. By June, my great and reverent idol, Anthony Bourdain took his own life. By November this year, a very well loved Aunt of mine passed away from cancer.

Before all this I had been very successful in my health reclamation, losing a lot of weight, eating very well, gaining strength, etc. During and after all this, I have gained back to where I started, and my overall health and well-being has deteriorated to the point where medical help is very much on the table. Could I have dealt with all this better? Probably. Was I prepared? No. Now, despite all the pain and frustration and death, a deep delve into Death Positivity culture, support from unexpected places, and thankfully the skill on insight I was made aware of through therapy, I have been able to start reconciling all that has happened and put a stopper in the deterioration, so to speak.

Only recently have I been able to face each of these trials and see them clearly. To look at each one like a faceted stone and decide for myself how it impacted my life. There have been readings, there have been talks, there have been rituals and even some spell work. Lately, over and over again as I take part in paganism as a community, as I reclaim my heritage, my ancestors, and evaluate my place and needs on the pagan path, do I realize what this time has been. Over and over again I have been hearing, “life in crisis”, “initiation as a journey of trial”, “A calling pervaded by a wound”, and even “Embrace the chaos”. These phrases and meanings have resonated with what has been happening to me these three very long years. Particularly as I’ve developed my new path as an animistic druid, which requires very different perspectives on the world.  For a long time I was stuck on the time frame. How could something like this take so long? Why would I only now have clarity enough to see the pattern? Today that’s pretty obvious. It simply took that long for me to realize the true essence of this new calling. It took this long to set the groundwork for me to be able to radically accept the needs of this calling, to accept the new sacrifices and efforts necessary to complete this initiation. To present myself at the top of the mountain. To stand alone and unaided as I accept my new path.

To many, and especially myself for such a long time, being alone is seen as a negative thing. All through my childhood I searched for companionship and belonging. I was a lonely and withdrawn child with few friends. My romantic relationships were defined for a long time by a need to be wanted and loved despite obvious signs to the contrary or even signs to me even returning the love. It didn’t matter the reality, I just needed people. I needed to be needed. I spent so much time, money, and energy making sure everyone around me was happy and that they would stay with me. In reality, life carried me away from all them, despite all my efforts or even their love for me. It was my curse to spend so much of young life living for others, only to end up sitting alone staring out the window. Today, so few of those people are still in my life today I’m surprised to find them still there. On the other hand, through this initiation I finally rid myself of a few toxic people that I clung to them even when they poisoned my very being. As I near the edges of the new path I must embrace a new aspect of myself, fortitude in individualism. I have been a very collective individual for most of my life. This is actually strange coming from an American born white person, but it’s true. Perhaps leftover from my Eastern European ancestors, I spend a lot of effort working toward the collective good even when it works against my personal needs. In my objective mind it seems sad, what good could come from being alone? You’ve fought it your entire life, isn’t this the antithesis of what you should strive for? Maybe, but maybe it’s what will finally open up my path to what I really need to be focusing on for my calling. Maybe it will finally set those boundaries, those narratives, the ability to take hold of my real and true tasks of spirit, without being closed in by the rules and boundaries of familial chains. Maybe…

Perhaps my real decision is whether to revel in the aloneness, in independence. To embrace the collective experience but step apart from it as an individual. To understand and be understood. To take my insight into this tragic avalanche and really hone it to a betterment. To find my peace, to find, and answer my calling waiting out there for me want it.

I walk alone…and I feel fine.

Down where hard roads meet with driven expanses, the last of the wayfarers go. Forgotten items that memory deemed unfortunate are left to collect the sands of time. By thousandth time the moon has risen, to cool the weary feet; wonders are that so many travel by the sun. It is less to guess at the doings of man, hardened faces by the winds of yesteryear. We gather at the dusk of day, and lay down a troubled head upon a troubled road. In the opening breathe of the dark, out blooms the petals of memory. For wanderers as I, their blooms are stared at with eyes of solitude.

A path of never ending shades of grey, looking for the stark contrast of an easier path, but never taking it because that is not the destiny. A path of real truth and wisdom is never found in the fields of memory, or in the towers of knowledge, but in the heart of living stone, fastidious and clear of reason, where only those who face betrayal and apathy with strength and resilience may meet. In this living stone one may find the light of another, but harsher is the fog, and more painful the chilling rain. Out on the road where these stone hearts do wander, they understand they come from the halls of Babylon.

Forbidden and cold, and yet great in deed and honor, the people leave little time for truth of matters. Rushing, winning, fighting, and moving along to the beats of many drums, the skies cloud with the souls of so many little lights. There is no time to stop, there is no time to contemplate the aging and growing of the soul, and they hurt, and there is pain, and it is forgotten. Those who leave Babylon can only understand the instances of the moment when one realizes, there is but little in the ways of many. Out to wander in the further halls of the world, they do meet, if but a few, and wander together and wander apart, keeping the living stone that grew in the parting from Babylon.

Out in the sparse fields that grow in the far off sands of time, a wayfarer may lay down with another, by happen chance to meet, and contemplate the souls of forever time. A small smile, a brush of the hand,perhaps a sweet kiss, but then the winds call them away again, in search of truth, in search of contemplation, in search of permanence in a world with no time. And although much has been lost, so much is gained in the small moments of a wayfarer meet, and by and by shall meet again, if only to remember, all that we left in Babylon.